How Do We Announce Such
A Happy Occasion?
I will never forget that memorable morning; we were just hangin' out.
Her kids & mine.
We chatted & caught up on all that was going on.
The good, the bad & ugly that life so often throws our way.
Nearing the end of our rendez vous, I mentioned in passing that I was
well, uh, "late".
She told me I just HAD to buy 'the' test & & of course text her immediately upon
learning said results.
I sort of giggled to fluff it off...said I didn't really want to know.
Too. much. going. on...
Couldn't. be. possible.
But a dollar store isn't too far out of the way, and
their tests are fairly accurate.
I stopped on the way home, and
once there it wasn't long til I was in the bathroom.
Those famous two dark lines.
Darker than any I've ever experienced with my prior pregnancies.
I must be farther along than I thought even possible.
What am I going to do??
This was not my timing.
Doesn't seem the right time at all.
Probably 2-4 years apart; yep that was our plan.
Six kids, like we had always dreamed together.
But then life happened.
Add in that number 5 was THE most difficult pregnancy
I had ever experienced, and well, you have a recipe of
why I told hubs, I'm sorry, but NO more!
I don't care what we said. Five is good :)
Add in the fact that our finances were wilting
under very unexpected expenditures...
And that we had been going through a grueling season
of testing with our children.
With our extended family..
In summary: life had hit us hard.
I was already feeling stretched more than ever before.
No, this wasn't the right time.
Fast forward a week ish later.
Signs of impending miscarriage started.
Some spotting & the like.
I was sure that this baby wasn't viable and probably
would pass soon.
Felt such mixed emotions...
Grief, and guilt (for being so scared)
& sort of relief...
(I feel so horrible writing that, but I have to be honest)
I meet my midwife for tea.
I update her on my life.
We chat & then I tell her the news.
We book a dating ultrasound in about a month.
I tell myself we'll wait & see what's really going on.
The pregnancy symptoms don't seem very strong, so who knows what's going
on in my womb??
A month later & I see a little flicker.
A heart beat of hope & a wee one full of promise.
Then more 'fun' news...
Placenta didn't form properly.
Not to worry. Common, but still risks.
Baby may have Tri-18.
We need more tests.
We didn't see the back bone at that last ultrasound...
We found the head was less than 5% average...too small.
Could be due to placental issue.
More financial strains.
More stress with the children.
Seeking out help from trusted loved ones.
Feeling so alone.
I tell more trusted friends & family.
They check in on me.
I go for multiple ultrasounds.
Some days I'm FULL of faith & all worry dissipates.
Other days I feel like the waves of life are crashing over me.
One day, I'm driving home.
I see a sunset.
Red sky, sailors delight right?
I feel a small voice inside me whisper, "It's going to be okay Rachael."
I recognize His comforting voice.
I feel relief.
I feel relief.
And in that moment the fear subsides.
Just for that moment it totally disappears.
It does return many a night to haunt me,
but I begin to 'fight back'.
I get into the Word daily.
I go & speak to those who I can trust.
I won't let it overwhelm me like it has in the past.
I won't give up.
Hubs & I pick out a name that is fitting.
(we learn it's another boy...yay!)
Means "Gift of God"
I give myself the luxury of allowing some joy to creep in.
Baby is going to be okay, isn't he?
I keep praying. Day, night. sometimes I sound
like a 'nut job'.
Hubs & I are working with our children.
We're making plans & implementing changes.
Life gets a bit easier.
Finally it seems the stress begins to crack.
All of a sudden, prayers begin to be answered!
Our last two ultrasounds show baby is healthy
& at a 90% growth rate! What?!
Then we hear that some of our outside financial pressures
are subsiding as well.
Our children begin to turn corners.
Life is not perfect, but I truly feel released to rejoice!
So finally, on the blog...
& we're super excited!
He'll be here within the month.
& don't worry, they'll be pics :)